Moan for me like Helen Keller
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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