I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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