What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
