if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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