watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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