Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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