I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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