im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
