babies were throwing up all over the place
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
