just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
