well I can't set my house on fire every night
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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