True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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