Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
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all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
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But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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