What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
