dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
