I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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