Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
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she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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