So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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