This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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