so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
God, I missed his penis.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
