youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
