I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
