Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
