It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
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Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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