I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
