Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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