Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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