I wish life had little blips of pornography
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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