Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
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Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
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Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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