There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
