the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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