Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
