On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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