Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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