life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
