Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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