Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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