i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
