Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
