Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
