I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
