I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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