I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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