My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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