my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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