Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
