Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
