i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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