I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
