It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.