i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.