I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
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I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
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I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out