im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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