He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
not ubering you a puppy
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
