I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
